did i laugh enough?

Did I laugh enough?

I find myself wondering this lately.

Being a teacher has made me realize there are some odd things that us teachers consider taboo. Some of these include sitting down for a minute, going to the bathroom when we need to, reading aloud to kids (just a good book for fun – no relation to curriculum), playing a game, sitting and talking with them, and, well, laughing.

Why is that? Why do we feel like we have to be serious all the time? Why do we stifle our giggles and hold back our smiles?

We are human. And humans laugh. They smile.

Humans laugh when they are happy. When they think something is funny. If they are nervous. Sometimes when we really aren’t supposed to laugh. So many reasons.

My personal theory is that subconsciously, we know laughing and smiling means authenticity and that automatically makes us vulnerable. And that is scary. It is.

…

Masks became optional for us again two weeks before Christmas. And the day that I took it off, I don’t think that I stopped smiling once. Truthfully, I don’t really know why, but everything was just a bit more smiley and funny to me that day. I suppose it was because it had been quite a while since we’d all seen each other’s full smiles – teeth and all.

Usually I try to stay so serious and stoic. I try not to let the students penetrate my emotions or energy field. Being so young, I want them to know that I am in charge. But, I let myself give in.

I heard their whispers and giggles, “She’s laughing, you guys.” “Look at her, she’s smiling.”

Kids always do this, and they always have, but why? It pains me to think that there must be a reason to laugh or to smile. Or that I laugh so infrequently that they notice when I do.

Life is short and so fleeting, I’m starting to think that we should smile and laugh at everything we can.

Of course, I know, life is not always beautiful. But, when it is, I am allowing myself to smile and laugh, unapologetically.

Because it is funny when they come in the class at 7:43 a.m., jump up and hit the door frame, run up to me and tell me, “I feel SO good right now.” (Again – at 7:43am – how does one have that much energy?) It is funny when they tease each other a little as they become a family (nicely, of course). The books I read are sometimes funny. The way they react to specific things is funny. The questions they ask and the things they say make me smile. It is funny when they ask me where their Chromebook is, like they wholeheartedly believe it is my job to keep track of it. It is funny when they call my shoes “fly” or “drippy”. It is funny when they ask me for my TikTok and sigh loudly when I say, “No, never” (for the umpteenth time). It is funny when I mess up and say something silly. And honestly, sometimes, it’s just funny and makes me smile when they are being them.

Don’t get me wrong – I run a pretty tight ship and I have very high expectations. And, of course, I’m not suggesting laughing at an inappropriate time when their behavior is unacceptable or mean in any fashion (I don’t do mean). But with many things, I just don’t think it’s wrong to face it with a smile. It’s healthy to smile.

More than anything, I want the students to know, that I genuinely enjoy them. I enjoy coming to work. I enjoy their presence. Some kids don’t get that. Some kids never feel enjoyed.

So, I think at the end of the day, instead of asking myself, “Was I good enough?” or “Did they all get it?” or “Did I plan enough?”, I will ask myself:

“Did I laugh enough?”

love always, caitlin