I think the biggest story I have to tell is my story with basketball. This is a story that might take the rest of my life to share. I believe it is the deepest woven part of me. I cannot take that lightly.
Let me give you a little background. My parents were both NCAA Division I Basketball Players at the same University. This is where they met. They both went on to be Head High School Basketball coaches – my mom for 17 years, starting in 2001 and my dad for 11, starting in 2000. My dad was also a high school math teacher, while we were fortunate enough to have my mom at home with us. My dad began coaching when I was 3 years old, my brother, 2, and my sister, to be born in 2003. All I can remember, is basketball.
Basketball, basketball, basketball.
When my parents were both coaching, one had early practice from 3:15-5:15 after school, and the other had late practice, from 5:15-7:15. They both had games on Tuesdays and Friday nights.
If my mom had early practice, she would pick us up after school and drop us off at the back of the high school, and we would walk to my dad’s classroom. I remember not wanting to get there late, and have to lead my siblings through the crowded, scary hallways full of high schoolers. I also didn’t want to get there early, and have to go stand in his classroom while his students gawked at us and how “cute” we were. They were both equally terrible. My dad would take us home right away, until about 4:45, and then he would pack all two/three of us back into the car and go back to the gym to trade us over to my mom, who would take us home for the night.
If my dad had early practice, my mom would pick us up from school and take us home. Then, she’d pack us up at 4:45 and bring us to the high school. We would get traded over to my dad and walk down the dark school hallways to his classroom (this is a story in and of itself for a different time), where he would pack up his things and then we’d go home for the night.
This routine continued for years and years, until I became old enough to be home with my siblings without having to do the trade off at the gym.
Another added layer to this is that I wanted to stay at the gym with my mom for her practices and go to every game, which I did, for the most part, from age five to fourteen, when I began playing FOR her. One of the stipulations of being able to sit on the bench, was that I couldn’t ask for treats from the concession stand – a tough thing for a 5-year old.
Fast forward to high school, I started for my mom all four years. Then, I went on to play college basketball for four years. (I laugh writing those two lines together as if it was only a two sentence endeavor – that’s years worth of writing, at least.)
And, then, after 18 years worth of basketball, it was done. Abruptly done. For the majority of college basketball players, that’s what it is. And you are left with a skill that is utterly useless in the real world. This is where I get to my title – a shaken identity. I have been retired for two years now, almost to the date. I have not given off the perception of floundering through life, but that is what it feels like without my truest purpose, my truest love.
Who am I?
What do I love?
What makes me, me?
What is my purpose?
…
The questions are endless.
And, although that’s where I’ll end this story, it’s really just the beginning, my friends.
love always, caitlin
love always, caitlin 
You have created a lovely premise here with your blog and your entries. I look forward to reading more about you Ms. Caitlyn – you are more than basketball – but I know what it means to have something consume so many minutes, hours, days of your life that you wonder who you are in the in-between.
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I am so happy to have stumbled upon your slice. I also graduated from college, after devoting nearly 5 hours a day in the pool, with a shaken identity. It’s almost as if transition meetings need to take place prior to graduation.
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I agree with that, 100%. My dad was a college athlete and said the same thing – there should be a class to prepare you for what happens next.
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It’s really interesting reading about people’s (especially those in sports) experience about dedicating their lives to something only to have it abruptly removed from their lives. I would say that there is still the benefit of the discipline you’ve gotten, as well as the lessons you’ve learned about what it takes to be successful in something, so I guess that’s always a plus. Thanks for sharing!
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A great beginning to a story! I can just see the long school hallways and the trading from parent to parent. Interesting how these things impact our lives as we move forward. Look forward to hearing more!
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Identity is such an interesting thing. We follow these rules we set for yourselves and they come from so many places.
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My husband was a high school basketball coach and then a college basketball coach and then, all the sudden he wasn’t. I went to every game for years, rooted for him and his athletes and got used to bleacher butt. I never played so it wasn’t in my bones, but it felt empty when he wasn’t a coach any more. I can only imagine how your identity has been shaken.
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Oh Caitlin, this entry feels like a tip of the iceberg. I could hear your giggle as you wrote those two lines that you said you laughed because there is so much packed into them. Your description of being passed off from parent to parent was so vivid, as I recalled my own young children being handed off from parent to parent for various reasons. I’d never considered the awkwardness of how they might have felt in front of my classes until reading your words. I hope you keep writing about this topic – there is deep soul work here.
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I forgot to say that the photo of you and your mom is absolutely mesmerizing. That photo speaks volumes.
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Your comments made me smile, Shari. They also prompted me a writing session about the photo… maybe to share soon. 🙂
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I love your writing!!! You capture the life of an athlete so, so, so beautifully! And you help me to understand my own sons, who played high school and college sports, and now, ten years later, are still missing it and kind of floundering around!! Thanks so much!
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Thank you so much for your kind words! They are so validating to me as a writer who has just begun publishing for others to see. My whole goal of writing is to do just what you said – understand others in their lives, so that is so touching to me. Thank you for visiting my page. 🙂
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