I feel like Michael Scott in the Dinner Party episode:
“When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn’t so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn’t want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.” (The Office, 2008)
Except, no, I don’t want kids right now. If I had to fill this with my own text right now, this is what it would say:
“When you said you wanted us to start school in a hybrid model, what did I do? I planned to go back to school. And then, when you said we might have to switch to Distance Learning, who created new plans? And then, when you said it was safe to come back, who reversed their plans back? And now, you said it was safe to go full in person…snip snap, snip snap, snip snap! You have no idea the physical AND emotional toll that three LEARNING MODELS has on a person.”
You get the point. And here’s the worst part of it all: I love teaching. Let me rephrase that. I love teaching and I haven’t this year.
I am a first year teacher. I will eventually be known as a COVID teacher, maybe even a COVID first-year teacher. I don’t even know how to teach in a normal year. (Then again, does anyone ever really know?) I used to kind of know when I was student teaching. I used to have hundreds of “brilliant” plans to implement. I used to listen to podcasts on flexible seating classrooms. I used to order book after book on different professional development topics. I used to try and come up with the most creative lesson plans. But now, I never think about partner work, group work, differentiated instruction, stations, task cards, having a class meeting, sitting in a circle, throwing a ball around. All I think about is getting through enough material and making my eyes look like I am smiling underneath my mask.
We found out today that we will be going back full in person at the end of March.
I am emotionally fatigued. My resiliency muscles are shot. And, the only words that keep coming to my head are, “You do it.” That is what I really want to say to all of the administrators (God Bless them) and the parents and the families and people in the community and truly, society. You plan it. You come up with your 100th new idea. You find a new way to fit them in the room. You come up with new procedures. You relearn classroom management in two planning days. You deal with the hundreds of late assignments. You deal with crabby students who haven’t been expected at school fully in a YEAR. And, also make sure you have a smile on your face the whole time and welcome them warmly.
I’m not a cynical person. Like I said, teaching is my passion. I love to learn. I love working with youth. I love seeing their “aha” moments and their smiles. I love to make meaningful connections. I love shaping the future of the world. But, this year has been hard and it has pushed it’s limits with me, and I am just tired.
And, I think it’s okay that I sit with that.
love always, caitlin
love always, caitlin 
You sound like you will be just fine. Your first year is a challenge during a “normal” year, you have really been thrown into the deep end and you are still treading water! Good for you! I’m hoping that getting to teach in the classroom will be such a blessing that you will forget all the challenges of teaching through a computer. “You do it!” Yup…you will be just fine. (Remember to take time to cry it out when you need to. Even us veteran teachers have to do that when we are emotionally fatigued and our resiliency muscles are shot–which still happens after 40 years!)
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Hello from the Welcome Wagon! The first year is tough anyway but you had added challenges for sure. We all have. Many veteran teachers have felt like it was their first year all over again because so much was new. It is hard to pivot when things change daily!
Your attitude is good and you are reframing and focusing on the kids. This post is a great reminder to do just that – focus on what is good.
Teaching is a wonderful thing – dealing with all the other things that districts make us do is not always so fun.
We are going back with a cohort model next month. There are a lot of things that they haven’t considered so I anticipate a lot more change in the next month!
loving your slices! I am glad you are with us this year. Connections help us feel less isolated too!
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Hugs! It’s just too much, all of it, for all of us. And while we all have our own situations that make this big situation challenging in unique ways, I think first-year teachers are definitely experiencing this pandemic in a uniquely difficult position. So glad you’re joining us to slice, even though you have so much going on! I hope this community will become a support for you!
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My thoughts are with you and you said this well. So much to learn as a new teacher and so much to learn to do Distance learning. Hang in there – we are all thinking of you as you work your way thought this year! Keep breathing! I hope it all settles soon!
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Oh gosh, this post radiates emotions, Caitlin. I adore that you quoted The Office as your lead. This year – I can’t even. For a first year teacher – it must kind of feel like preparing for a wedding and then at the last minute the groom changes his mind, and you are left with all the remnants and have to make the best of it all. Certainly, there is some grief involved as we have hope for a future where we get to try it all again. To show that we really do know how to teach! Keep writing through it – there are many here who understand and will hold your hand as we all wrestle with the terrain. I’m first in line. 🙂
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