i needed them

I drafted this post on March 1st. I kept waiting and waiting for the perfect time to post this because it means a lot to me and it is a vulnerable post. Now, it’s March 31st, and so I’ve got to post it.

When we are learning to be teachers, I feel something that is drilled in is how much they(our students) need us. And, it’s true. I believe that in my bones. I think teachers have the ability to turn a child’s entire life around. If I didn’t, I don’t think I’d be a teacher.

But something we don’t talk about enough – in college, in society, with our colleagues, or ever – is how much we need them.

We don’t talk about how they have the ability to turn our life around.

We don’t talk about how they have the ability to change us.

Why is that?

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I believe that everything happens for a reason. More deeply, I believe that we meet people for a reason. I think that everyone serves a very specific and special purpose in our lives.

And that includes our students.

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This year has been a different hard than last year. Not worse, not better, just different. I find that my struggles last year were more worldly and societal, and my struggles this year are in my soul. So, to say that I will share all of those on here would not be truthful. But, I will give you the gist.

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There were times this (school) year, I didn’t feel seen. My students saw me. They noticed my cool Nike’s I wore to school. They asked what I was eating at my desk. They inquired about what I would do on the weekend. They saw me.

There were times this year, I felt lonely. I am living alone for the first time. My students gave me company. They told me about their lives – their sports competitions, what they did on the weekend, their favorite jokes, all about their families, what they did in their other classes, at recess, at lunch, and anything, (literally) anything, in between. They made me not as lonely.

There were times this year, I was too uptight. My students made me laugh. Oh, how they made me laugh. They made me laugh on purpose and they made me laugh on accident. I wrote a post about this recently. They helped me become not so uptight.

There were times this year, I was trying to love something into something it was not. My students taught me that’s not what love is. Love is not grabbing onto something and squeezing the life out of it. Love is not wanting and actively trying to change something. Love is marveling at something and allowing it to be what it is. Love is appreciating something for what it is in this moment, and figuring out how that will work in your realm of circumstances and if it doesn’t, you let it go and love it from a distance. They taught me how to love better (I don’t think we ever truly figure this one out for good).

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Now, I don’t want it to get confused – I absolutely love my life and I very much look forward to going home and doing all of the other things I love, which is a lot of things, and spending time with all of the people I love, which is a lot of people. I have countless wonderful people in my life whom I look to in all these times of need.

But, statistically, we spend most of our lives at our jobs.

Someone told me once, “God will always give you what you need. You just might not get it from where you thought or wanted to get it from.”

And, I’m willing to admit, that yes, I needed them.

Fifty 10-year-olds.

They truly know more about life than we do. If we only pay attention.

love always, caitlin